wolfs_sorrow

Guess what? My Lovely "father" has decided to grace his children with the pleasure of his company for a few days......Yeah, I'm furious!!! Why does he have to continue to fuck up my life?!! Was 16 years not enough? Geeze'um!!! So yeah, he decided to swing by Syracuse and stay with us until Monday. My life is officially crap for the new few days.....Grrrr!!!!!!! I want to kill someone....

At least he won't be here for a few hours...

I’ve come to the point where I realize that everything in my life up to this point has been complete bull shit. If I want to achieve anything in this life worth having I’ll have to do it by myself. I’m going this alone. I don’t want to. I want someone to be there for me, even if it’s just for emotional support. But I haven’t found that as of yet. Not really. Sure, there’s potential for it in two or three of my closest friends, but it’s getting to the point where I only have one and a half years left of living here and I don’t know if that’s long enough to form a lasting relationship of that nature. It’s not anyone else’s fault; I just don’t want to be hurt anymore. There’s pain on so many different levels. I just want it all to go away. I want to apologize to all my friends, but I really am fucked up beyond all reason. I just can’t deal with life very well. I don’t cope. And my trust has been broken so many times I don’t think it works quite right anymore. That’s part of the reason I don’t function well in society I suppose. I really do want to be able to connect with people, even if it’s only with two or three really close friends. Even just one really close friend would be a saving grace. I just don’t know if it will work out that way. God, time is a bitch.

~Nothing's gonna make this right again.
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand


‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

Perfect- Simple Plan~

You know, i really should be doing the 3 essays i have to do for school, but i'm obviously not doing them. Got out of the shower a little while ago and decide to update my LJ. There's just something about jeans and a guys dress shirt that's so damn comfortable... yeah, my brain's just wandering. I actually went to sleep last night (I know, shocking isn't it) and as a result my body realized that it had been missing something and i'm now tired. What uter bullshit. Makes me tired just thinking about it. I think I'll do those essay things tomorrow anyway. Yeah. I have Silver and Cold by AFI stuck in my head (augh) and I've decided that i love this band called Kill Hannah.


I'm gonna go get something to eat and try to sing Silver and Cold to myself in an attempt to get it out of my brain (augh!)Until later then....


~ Now, it is silver and silent.
It is silver and cold.
You in somber resplendence,
I hold...

So I,I will paint you in silver.
I will wrap you in cold.
I will lift up your voice as I sink.


Your sins into me,
oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me.
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness.
Your sins into me,
Your sins into me.


~Silver and Cold by AFI

So, what I did today; went to bed @ 4:15 this morning, got up @ 5:50 (still in the morning) to go with my mom to work, used the elliptical machine, ended up running for over an hour, almost got to 7 miles, just a smidge off, came home, read a story I started the night before, unloaded my college book shelf on the kitchen table, sorted throught the college crap I’ve accumulated for the past year and a half (I’m still working on it), watched Wedding Crashers , typed this up. So there you have it, my day.




My father was home all day Saturday, and that was awkward, but we went to the carousel mall in Syracuse after we dropped him off, so it was worth it. Sunday was spent doing church stuff, we hung out at Eli’s house at night even though TOC and AWANAS wasn’t happening. It was a blast; we ate, talked, played games and played with Eli’s cats. So yeah, that’s been my life so far this vacation. I did start writing a very special journal thing too, so I feel accomplished now that I’ve finally started that, and I’m updating my LJ more regularly, and oh yeah, I’m sore from exercise and I’m getting stuff done… I am contented.




So yeah, that’s that. Been listening to some great music, really cool. And been getting unhealthy amounts of sleep (or perhaps it’s not so healthy large amounts of non-sleep). Yeah. That’s all I’ve got to say. Oh, and I’m losing my voice. Damn. Oh, well. Ttfn!

You scored as WereWolf. WereWolf: Craving rare Meat, feeling caged, aggitated by being around people. Unable to control one's anger or temper. The person will give off symptoms of the shift. They will seem more hostile, blood thirsty, aggitated. They may even growl, bare their teeth or other animal like tendencies. In rare cases, some will physically change. Facial hair will grow thicker or darker, nails will become longer, canine's will seem longer. Embrace your wild side, for you are The Misunderstood WereWolf. </td> WereWolf 92% Faerie 84% Demon 75% Dragon 50% Angel 50% Mermaid 42% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

And here’s another quiz that I took that’s sort of relevant to the last one…

You scored as Silver. You are a Silver Were. Silver Weres are the spice in the Garou, the strange and unexpected, often rare creatures. The irony of being Silver, even if the metal doesn't harm Weres like it was beleived, brings joy to the Silver Ones to no end. They are fascinated by the paranormal happenings around them, including themselves! </td> Silver 74% Grey 71% Black 67% Gold 55% White 52% Red 48% Brown 45% What Color Werewolf Are You?? created with QuizFarm.com

~Comin’ down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone’s prayer…

-Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls

Yesterday = Bad ( don't ask)
Today = Not as Bad, still not Good though (um, you might not want to know about that either)
Tomorrow = We'll see ( who knows....I sure don't want to know)



Good thing it's vacation... Resisting the urge to hurt someone was getting to be a bit of an annoyance today...

This picture is for all the idiots in the world....



yeah. Anyway, i'll get back and make a proper post later.TTFN.

I've got some imperfections
but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting,
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting;
and if you chose to walk away, i'd still be right here waiting,
searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting....
~Staind

Okay, since last entry:


Saturday, February 11th--- Science Olympiad: That was awesome. I enjoyed my day very much ^_^ anyway, Carthage Team 1 took first at Regional’s and for the two events I was in with my partner Sam we got 5th in Chem Lab and 3rd in Write it Do it. Derek and Liam got first in Write it Do it *rock on!* for team one. As for Carthage team 2, we got either 5th or 6th place (note* there were only 6 teams). But oh, well, we’ve still got one team going to states….


Sunday, February 12th--- Grenadiers in Canada: yeah, this was fun but tiring. Try standing up strait for several hours while holding the rough equivalent of a 8-or-so pound trumpet thingy and doing a bit of marching as well. Yeah, my back and shoulders and neck are still aching…..But on the plus side Andrew Harris was there. Now Andrew is a little strange now and then (okay, so he’s always strange and always more that just a little….who cares?), but he also roxs! I love his black and white fuzzy pimp hat, it’s so kewl ^_^ He let me borrow his belt (which looks like a seat belt, it’s awesome) and I let him borrow my headphones and we agreed to return each object to it’s respective owner the next time we saw each other…. Which would have been today, but we didn’t actually interact at all. As a result I’m still wearing the belt right now. Which is fine by me….. So yeah, Andrew acted a little crazy the entire trip back from Canada and it was hilarious. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in the past few weeks as I have in the past few years of my life. When arriving home, I spend a lot of time on the computer doing crap and stayed up late typing an article for Kupo about V-day… So, I did get to bed rather early for me (1:47 am). Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work out well.


Monday, February 13th--- 7:00 am and still in bed (my bus comes at 7:14): Yeah, I woke up this morning to find my room looking like a tornado had torn through the house and with only 14 minutes to do everything, not to mention I had forgot my AP US History book in Mr. Cross’ car the night before and hadn’t read the two chapters I had to catch up on (31&32). I didn’t even have time to take a shower or check if I had all my school stuff in my bag. Other than that my day at school was great. Then I came home. Completely different story. I was fine until my brother started in with the ringtones on his new cell and I got a headache. Then, after having watched almost 5 hours of TV, my brother remembers he has a lot of homework to do on the computer. I had specifically asked him earlier if he needed the computer and he had said no. Needless to say I was irate that he had the audacity to try and kick me off. I relented after giving him a piece of my mind. And then, whilst talking on the phone with Maria McLane, I see my brother playing games instead of doing homework. I was pissed! Anyway, that set off the whole talk of having to move back to Illinois because my mom won’t be able to handle both of us if we’re at each others throats all the time, which will not be happening if I can help it….. Since then I’ve done pretty much nothing.


This is really long isn’t it? I might get around to talking about other crap later on… probably later today so I can rant about the stupidity I had to endure all day… Later…..





In the spirit of V-day…..*sighs* Yes, I do like someone, no we’re not going out because he doesn’t even know I like him….ah, well, such is life….

You scored as Hell Yea. U are totally in love, u would do anything to be with this person and u would die for them. </td> Hell Yea 83% Sounds More Like Lust 42% Hell No 0% Are u in love??????? created with QuizFarm.com

~We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Author Unknown

*Ahem* Use the comment button.... *cough*

I’ve never done any illegal drug in my life but sometimes I make myself (and others) wonder. Like today. Out of the blue clear sky I got all jittery and talkative and confused and was trying to tell myself to focus and to clean my room. I walked in circles for maybe 5 minutes before I curled up in a ball and did calming breathing exercises and kept on muttering “breathe…. Just chill….. Focus…. Breathe” I swear, I’m going nuts, I’m bi-polar or I’m getting A.D.D. (No joke, it runs in my dads family) or some crazy shit like that….. I have no flipping clue what the hell my brain is on but it’s just whooaahhh.



So yeah, that’s today as of right now. I really didn’t do anything much really…. Fought with my bro early this morning, went to school, discussed the justifications for US imperialism both past and present, watched Alesa work on the Exclamation, did the band thing, went swimming for PE (chlorine sucks), came home and read some stuff, tried to concentrate on writing poetry, talked with people online, typed this up, and yeah, that’s it.



I have come to the conclusion that I'm not good enough at interacting with others yet…. I just don’t know when to keep my mouth shut….. when I said this to my best friend and said I didn’t know if I should talk about crap, he said “well, I wouldn't say anything until you're certain you want to. cuz you can't take it back”. Isn’t he awesome? Of course he’s awesome!!! But anyway, he’s totally right.



I’m gonna stop this now, here’s another quiz I’ve taken and it’s followed by a quote as per usual. Later….

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets. </td> Unipolar Depression 92% Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 25% Schizophrenia 25% Antisocial Personality Disorder 25% Eating Disorders 17% Borderline Personality Disorder 8% Which mental disorder do you have? created with QuizFarm.com

~ I'm once again drawing a blank for what to say
But that’s okay
Words are but meaningless frills…~

This is by far my favorite quiz that I've taken beacuse it is totally me!!! Here are my quiz results:

You scored as Severus Snape. </td> Severus Snape 80% Hermione Granger 75% Ron Weasley 75% Lord Voldemort 65% Fred or George Weasley 65% Harry Potter 55% Albus Dumbledore 55% Draco Malfoy 55% Sirius Black 55% Which Witch/Wizard are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Lol, that's so totally me.... I've become addictied to online quizes and i took a crap load of them at once and saved the codes, so i'll probably be updating for the next few weeks (or months) with a different quiz each time.... until then...
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....

Ha, look at that! It’s 2006!


Kay, I know I haven’t updated since when, before Christmas? Well, I finally have some extra time so I thought maybe I’d try something different such as keeping others informed about my pathetic life through my LJ (novel concept, I know). I have a shit load of crap going on right now and hardly any of it good. So, for my list of crap going on…


1. I got a 96 overall average in AP
2. I got an 80 on the portfolio project, but that was because my pen drive disk thingy died
3. I have a best friend
(That was all the good stuff)
4. My parents are getting divorced
5. My cats are gone
6. School work keeps on building up
7. I’m trying to organize my life
8. I haven’t really had the time to look at colleges, but I’m trying to do that as well
9. I still have difficulty interacting with the rest of society even though not many people can tell
10. We’re cleaning up the house, getting rid of stuff and getting ready to move this summer
11. I’m dealing with a ton of psychological problems by myself because I don’t want to talk about them with anyone yet
12. I’m being over melodramatic and can’t help myself
13. I continually wonder what the hell is wrong with me


So yeah, my life is crap right now but I’m trying to be optimistic… things WILL get better…. At least I won’t have to deal with my father anymore, at least not on a regular basis. *sigh* Life is shit….


Our mid-winter concert is tomorrow night…. I have to work on my submissions for the exclamation (Creative writing club magazine) and my articles for the Clarion (school newspaper). AP Us history is doing better but it’s still a crap-load of work (mostly reading, but still). Yeah, life is busy. So I’m gonna go work on that stuff and fixing my life and crap; or maybe not, I don’t; feel like doing anything really. ‘till next time then…


Me!


~Yeah, but what I’m trying to say is how do we really know we exist; we could just be dreaming all of this…

What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you. ~Author Unknown


I had to put this in my LJ, even if I’m still working on a more informative entry. This quote perfectly describes my best friend; without him I probably wouldn’t even be breathing right now…. Yeah, he’s that important to me. If you read this, I want you to know that I mean that from the bottom of my heart, despite how hopeless I may feel at times. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! Just thought I’d let you know……


But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.
~William Shakespeare

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. ~Leo Buscaglia

And I don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand; when everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am...

OMG! I have a great new cd entitled Dead Letters by The Rasmus. THANK YOU JOSH!!! So I only lasted until the 23rd...We all opened our presents today so I decided it would only be logical to open my present from Josh as well. I love it, LOVE IT! I've been listening to it all day. I'm obsessed, I know, but I love it! My fave tracks would have to be In the Shadows (the first song I heard by them, it was instant love, Guilty, Still Standing and F-F-F-Falling (yes, that's how they spell it).

Other than the new cd I got a whole bunch of stuff with Ducks on it (My whole bathroom is ducks, they're so cute!), like a towel, soap dish, toothbrush holder and soap dispenser. I also got an address book, fuzzy green pen (more fuzzy green stuff!) and $125 in Borders gift cards (they know me well, they do) and a gorgeous wooden box with wolves on it (love wolves as well). I've been using parentheses a lot, haven't I. I usually overuse ellipses...oh well. I'm happy(can't ya tell?), which doesn't happen often. I'll post at least one more time before school starts up again on the 3rd of January. Until then, stay cool.

Later,
Wolf's Sorrow


~ Sometimes life seems but a dream,
one can almost forget reality,
yet dreams are rarely what they seem;
do you really think you know me?

Found this quiz thing and thought it was interesting...Yeah, I could've been a monk...

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Insane Monk. Where You Lived: Tibet. How You Died: Buried alive.

Yeah. Later! Wolf's Sorrow

~Through blood refined, made perfectly whole, like the amber sky, clarity through smog...

I’ve been working away at my Portfolio Project (oh joy) and I’m proud to say I’m almost done with the first chapter set of question… even though there are 10 chapters, the first chapter is still an accomplishment for me (I’m a loser, I know). I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff, most of it random and lacking in logic, but some of it not so random and lacking in logic. Like school. That’s logical to think about right? And then I’d start thinking about how people are stupid and which would be the most efficient way to annihilate them, which led to the realization that I am, in fact, human and to completely obliterate the human race I would have to kill myself as well, and while that sometimes doesn’t seem like a bad idea, I have a few reasons that make the idea seem stupid. My friend, for example. I wouldn’t want to make him feel like he wasn’t a good enough friend, and I seeing as how he’s one of my closest friends (or as close as I am to other people), I’d never want to do that to Mike. Hurting our friends intentionally is never cool. Other than thinking a lot, I haven’t done much. My life is tedious and boring, yet at the same time so screwed up that I sometimes look at it in disgust and wonder where all the B.S. came from. *Life = B.S. * Try that equation out for size…

Anyway, now that all that melodrama’s done with (I hope) what else is going on in my life? Christmas is coming up (whoopde-do), but that’s not exciting…the year’s almost over but that happens every year, so… nope, nothing interesting going on. I’m trying to cultivate self-control by refraining from tearing open my Christmas present from Josh (It’s a CD, I know it, but which one?) and I think I’m holding out very well… it I’ll probably last another day or too, though waiting until Christmas is a bit of a stretch. I’ll probably open it on Christmas Eve. I’m really obsessive about my music and the suspense is killing me. Anyway, what was I thinking about? Rhetorical question, people, rhetorical question.

I did find this great new band called Idlewild (they’re not really new, they’re just new to me). They’re a band from Scotland (rock on!)and they have a different sound, almost a cross between pop and rock and something else I can’t quite put my finger on. You really have to listen to their songs to understand. I recommend Love Steals Us From Loneliness or El Capitan. I think that’s all I’ve got to say right now. Little ‘ol me will eventually get around to posting regularly, key word eventually, but until then post will by randomly spontaneous. Yes, being redundant is fun ^_^

Later,
Wolf’s Sorrow



Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the past; it’s only the future that didn’t last. You’re kidding yourself, kidding yourself. You’re going nowhere and you’re going there fast. You said something, you said something stupid like ‘Love steals us from loneliness’. Happy Birthday; are you lonely yet?

~ Idlewild- Excerpt from Love Steals Us From Loneliness



Note: Unless otherwise stated, all comments at the bottom of entries are my own.

Vacation is over and school's back up and running. Yay. Anyway, just thought I'd throw out a little note on my LJ to prove that I'm still alive. Life’s really busy right now and I don’t see it slowing down anytime soon. This damn “Portfolio Project” for AP is stressing me out because I can’t relax and do anything without that nagging little voice in my head telling me I have a major project to work on and that I should be working on it. Does anyone know that voice I’m talking about? Sometimes it makes me wish I could impale the damn fiend. I’d much prefer the three essays and 100 multiple choice questions over however many days as a final project than this damn portfolio. Good thing we’re only doing the portfolio the first half of the year. The AP class is broken into two separate courses and you only get a grade every semester, one for each class, just like college. The “final exam” is more like a mid term because it’s for the end of the first class. Sure a portfolio project lets you be creative and revise your work to get a better grade but it take up so much damn time. The word of the day is damn by the way. I still have a life to live, it would be nice not to have a major project for American History and a term paper for English AND a health project all at once! I mean, come on, give me a break. I’m already doing a ton outside of school and a ton in school. I feel like I can’t just chill or relax, there’s way too much that has to be done. Life just sucks at the moment. Other than that, everything’s just dandy.


I spent the past few days in Canada (eh!) and it was a load of fun. I was checking out the Kingston Grenadiers and I personally thought it was loads of fun. They encouraged us to recruit more brass players, so any of you fellow brass players in or around the Kingston area should check it out. It was wicked cool. They have a website up at www.kingstongrenadiers.com, so check it out. I normally play Baritone, but I opted to play the trumpet like instrument they have. I have a lot of adjusting to do because the mouthpiece is so different, but I’ve always wanted to learn trumpet and treble clef, so here’s my opportunity. And I bought one of those toques with the ear flaps, it’s all red, gray and beige stripes with a maple leaf in light beige on the front (Go Canada!) and a Canadian flag patch for my denim jacket.


Well, I guess that’s enough ranting for now, so until next time.


~Wolf's Sorrow



~I suppose even in your apathy you feel these knives that cut you, deepening the wounds, opening scars you once thought healed. I suppose even a heart of ice can feel...

Hello people,


I've finally got some extra time on my hands, so I decided to start actually typing for this thing. I know I should probably be working on my portfolio project for AP, but really, who does that? I probably won't start it until Christmas break (its due in January). And I still have to work on my English and Health projects, but I'm such a slacker that I'm just going to put that off for a while too. It's the first day of Thanksgiving break, Woot! I love holidays, I finally get some time to relax for a few minutes before starting in on the crap load of hw I have. I always put it off anyway, but at least it's not like it's due the next day or anything. Anyway... cross country's been over for awhile and I haven't done much since, so I feel kinda lazy and all that. I never do anything during the winter but this year I'm going to try and stay active, you know, staying at the weight room and all that (ha! like I have the time!). My time management skills are severely lacking and my life is really messed up right now, but hopefully it will straighten itself out before long. We'll see. I suppose I best be starting my hw now or it will never get done *rolls eyes*. Later.


~Wolf's Sorrow


~If life were more then a dream, would you want to wake up?